Hi all,
It has been over a year since I last felt the pull to write something. I will be honest, something just vanished in my heart for writing and my passion for this project. I have also been struggling big time with my mental health the last year & a bit.
Over Jan-March, I had multiple big anxiety attacks that rendered me barely able to function. I was still up and moving, but I was not really living – just surviving. I just remember being in constant tears/a state of fear for that time. My life was spinning way out of control, I was making mistake after mistake after mistake, and I was honestly just doing my best to keep it together. Even with talking to a counsellor, it was still very rough.
By March, I had had enough of feeling this way. With the support of my loved ones and good friends, I made the decision to give anti-anxiety medication a try. After a tough meeting with people I adore, I knew deep, deep down, it was time to admit I needed more help. I had been fighting against taking medication for awhile as I was stubborn enough to not want to admit that it could help me, as the last time I was on medication, I could barely function (ironic, right?). Cut to going to a walk-in clinic. Let me tell you, what a life-changing moment that was. The people in there were so compassionate and wonderful. I immediately felt at ease and that I was making the best decision possible. I got my prescription filled, cancelled my holiday plans, and took time to adjust to them. Which meant a lot of sleeping and watching movies. As much as I missed my family, I knew I needed to just rest and adjust, as well as remind myself that this was the best decision for me.
Not quite immediately, I started to feel better. My mind stopped racing like a NASCAR race car (vehicle? whatever they are known as). I could see more clearly, and I felt better than I had in months. There was a little emotional blunting as my system adjusted, but there were not super intense feelings like before. It took awhile to get used to that.
Taking this step also gave me more courage. On a whim, I sent my resume to a friend who worked at a place I had dreamed about working at since I was a little kid. At the time, there were no opportunities open for me to transfer into. However, a few weeks’ later, I got an email from my now-current place of employment asking if I was still interested, and how about an interview? Yes, please! I nervously prepared, while also psyching myself out that this was going to be like every other opportunity I had taken, and I was going to get my hopes up for nothing. I barely even mentioned this opportunity to anyone, lest I get my hopes up too much. I attended the interview, and it felt more like a conversation than anything, which was so comforting.
Once again, I did not say anything to anyone beyond that yes, I had had an interview, and yes, I had not completely blown it. A little bit later, I got a communication (I cannot honestly remember if it was phone call or email), offering me the job. I was completely flabbergasted, as it meant a few of my goals were going to be accomplished all in one fell swoop. Naturally, I called Mum to tell her and get her advice. Which amounted to “it’s your decision, I’ll support “. I knew deep down, despite the challenges of accepting this new position and diving head-first into the unknown, this was the best move for me and the one I had been waiting for.
With this change, it meant I also needed to find a place to live to accept this position. This was making me completely panic, but I also accepted that even if I needed to stay in my car, at a hotel, or on a couch while I found something, I was going to make it work. I wanted this! Spontaneously, I messaged a family friend if they knew of any availabilities, and it turned out to be a miracle in disguise. They opened their home up to me as they knew how badly I wanted this and how much this change needed to happen. I am thankful every single day for this act of kindness. It enabled me to chase my dreams, be closer to my family, and start living again. Plus, two adorable cats.
As for my new professional opportunities, they have been challenging and fulfilling. I feel valued and respected for the knowledge, skills, and abilities that I bring to the table – including the ones I previously had to keep tamped down. I also just feel valued and respected for who I am as an individual. I am still feeling my way around things, but I have the support and access to growth that I have been needing for a long time. I loved my previous place and the people I was with dearly, but I needed this fresh start. As terrifying as it was and as intimidating as it can be at times.
Am I still looking over my shoulder waiting for something to go wrong because that is just who I am? Yes, deal with it as part of me that makes me me. But am I also loving life, and feeling like I am thriving because I have the best support system that I need close by and close to me? Also yes. For the first time in a year, I feel like I am living, not just surviving. I get to have spontaneous meet ups with family, I get to be surrounded by the people who make me feel at home in my own skin, and I go to bed most nights knowing that I am getting stronger and better every single day. Because of external sources, and my own internal will to not take this opportunity for granted, to seize every moment and live life to the fullest.
I hope to revive this site as my passion for sharing my story and helping others find/use their voices reignites. Thanks for waiting for me!